Are you a single Black male who spends all of his late nights with PornHub.com despite committing the 42 negative confessions of Maat to memory? Do you perpetually find yourself alone and virtually ignored even after you’ve zealously proclaimed that the Black woman is God on social media and watched every single episode of The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl at least three times?
Perhaps that sexy Facebook siren ‘Aura-Auset-You-Got-the-Right-One-El-Bey-Bey-Yeah’ you've been aggressively inboxing refuses to let you mount her throne even though you’ve memorized every Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie quote verbatim.
If you’re a brilliant conscious brotha who hasn’t gotten any AnuNookie since Nibiru’s last transit, The Uhuru Institute of High Science has released a peer-reviewed study that may very well explain why. As it turns out, it’s not your fault, black god. It never is.
“The indefatigable white devil has ramped up his efforts to sully the minds of our beautiful Black queens,” said Uhuru Institute spokesman Nefer Nut Indekyat, 34, during a recent interview with the MGM News Network. Speaking from Uhuru office headquarters in his mother’s basement, Indekyat, whose hands were formed in what appeared to be permanent kung fu grips, spoke candidly on the social dilemma facing the righteous black god.
“These white devils are putting fatally toxic hormones in the organic kale that deactivates the neuro-melanin in the substantia nigra of our Nubian goddesses! Since melanin is a known gateway to higher consciousness and erotic ecstasy, our beautiful queens are totally oblivious and emotionally detached from the fact that they are creaming to receive our black phalluses in the inner sanctums of their sacred wombs.”
Walter ‘Science’ Brand, 43, is a critic of what some have called the Black conscious community. He vehemently refutes what he considers to be Indekyat’s “laughably ludicrous” claims.
“Those young men spewing that toxic melanin babble are pathetically misinformed,” says the engineer who shuns the label of being “conscious,” preferring to identify himself as an Illuminist.
“Everyone is conscious of something, so being ‘conscious’ means absolutely nothing in the grander scheme of things. Dope fiends are conscious of where to find their dope. Conscious folks are conscious of where to find plagiarizing, egotistical, YouTube scholars with funny comic book character names. These entertainers posing as legitimate teachers don’t have a body of literary work, and cannot identify roots and herbs in the wild that can be used for spiritual protection and development. They’re really wasting our people’s time, but we love recycled information that doesn’t offer a new perspective as long as it's purveyed through a colorful personality.
If that’s consciousness, then I don’t belong to that pathetic tribe you call ‘the conscious community’. I am an Illuminist. I use the spiritual knowledge of my ancestors to build my mind, improve my character, foster valuable relationships and build institutions. I inspire and encourage Black people to be creative so that they can unlock the scorching light of potential within themselves.
What those brothas at the Uhuru Institute, and others like them, don’t realize is that a lot of conscious African American women are just like most American women of other ethnicities at their core. Yes, they may know who Imhotep or Steven Biko is, but for the most part, they have the same wants, needs, and desires from a man as women of other races and ethnicities. And that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
You gotta understand that no matter how many times they’ve read The Alchemist or The Secret they were still born and raised in America. They have distinctly American values and thought patterns, no matter how many African countries they can name off the top of their heads . Many of them get sloppy drunk in nightclubs, watch Empire, and are polyamorous. They were not born and raised in a tiny African village, or a small rural town in South America. They are products of Western culture and convenience.
I don't try to impress sistas I want to date with how much I know about ancient history and the high sciences, because they really don’t give a fuck. If she looks hot, and she’s into roots an culture, then too many conscious dudes already ran that game on her. You’re not distinguishing yourself from them in her mind. Women, regardless of their race, care about how good you treat them and the amount of joy you add to their lives. You can’t do any of those things with a bibliography.
I never got any Dark Matter pussy because I knew who R. A. Schwaller DeLubicz was. It was always because I’m fun, smart, sincere and don’t pander to feminist rhetoric, like a lot of thirsty conscious dudes.
Most women know all that talk is bullshit anyway. Liberal feminism, cloaked in an Afrocentric cultural veneer, is an ideological trauma ward for lesbians and broken women who are victims of male abuse. Their fathers, uncles, brothers, ex-boyfriends and husbands were all bums.
They then project their resentment onto Black men who are exceptional. Their deep seeded disdain and contempt for Black men blinds them to the fact that they have become racist white men with Black vaginas. Philosophically speaking, feminism is a reactive response to oppression and not a proactive expression of collective womanhood, so it isn’t even real. My intelligence goes far beyond committing ancient facts to memory and the women I’ve spent time with can see that.”
Uhuru spokesman Mr. Indekyat was not pleased with Brands’ comments. “That mothafucka don’t agree with us, so he’s obviously an educated coon who wanna be white,” said the self-proclaimed scholar who revealed that he has no formal scholastic training. When asked how he and his organization would address the black god’s dating dilemma, his eyes lit up.
“We got a debate coming up on Valentines Day,” says Indekyat who recently won a verbal joust over whether quinoa or smoked spare ribs tips hold the remedy to Black people’s economic problems in America. “This new one is called ‘Pamela or Palmetta - Who Got the Most Love for the Black God?’ It’s gonna be a major showdown. My opponent is Reverend Ebenezer Lardass.
I’m coming raw, rough, and rugged when I apply pressure to that puny pulpit pimp with my PowerPoint press. It’s gonna be pure excitement. Non-stop action. Get your tortilla chips and dip and your tofu hot dogs because you’re not gonna wanna miss a single moment of this, mufuckas!”